I LOVE BLACK MEN!!!! I think you are the sexiest men on earth. From a historical standpoint, black men (with black women by their side) have endured slavery, beatings and segregation, and continue to endure the prejudicial attitudes and behaviors of this country. Yet, you continue to better yourselves and continue to demonstrate to the rest of the world that black men can do anything that men of other races can do, and even better. Physically, I love black men's chocolate smooth skin, full lips, and that natural "swagger" that you all have about yourselves. (You know what I'm talking about!) :)
However, it seems that you, my brothas, have taken for granted the appreciation that black women have for you. This is evidenced by the number of you married brothas who constantly and consistently try to get me to participate in your adulterous behavior. This is also evidenced by the behavior of many of those "available professional black men" I referenced in last week's entry. (Yes, emphasis on professional.) The men who fall into that category of "available professional black men" know that they are limited in quantity, which consequently, makes them a hot commodity. And as I stated last week, black women realize that black men are hard to come by, and for the sake of having/keeping a man, they allow themselves to be treated poorly.
But my brothas, it is time that you all stand up and be accountable for your behavior. Here's a newsflash for you: JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO IT! Just because a woman may be willing to forgive your indiscretions, does not give you a rite of passage to cheat. On the flipside, if you are married and a woman throws herself at you, act like you have some sense and stop acting like your bodily urges are just too much for you to control. If you come across a sista with self-esteem problems, either leave her alone or try to get her some help. But please stop taking advantage of and playing on her insecurities.
Undoubtedly, someone will respond to this and say that black women encounter these problems because we only want to date the tall, good looking, athletically fit brothas. (As someone did last week.) And back in the day, I may have agreed with that statement; however, that theory has no applicability in black relationships today. I know quite a few women who have been played by that unsuspecting brotha. (You know, the one who is a little overweight, or the one who is not the best looking, or the one who doesn't make a lot of money.)
My brothas, I need to you to honor your sistas. I need you to stop mistreating and disrepecting black women. Black women have been and continue to be the backbone of the black family. Honor us, love us, treat us like the queens that we are. Stop the cheating, stop the controlling behavior, and stop disrespecting. How would you feel if a man treated your mother, your sister, or your daughter, the way that you treat us?
--Notta
7 comments:
A huge part of the problem has to do with what thespookwhosatbythedoor said - a lot has to do with how we black men are raised. That's where it starts I believe. I vividly remembered as a young boy that the more girls that I accumulated as pawns, the bigger the king I was. And the bigger the king I became, the more pawns I got. And on and on... I have male friends who encourage their sons to do likewise. Don't get tied down they tell them. Leave you options open. We become addicted to that and then like any addiction, it is hard to stop. Mind you, I have female friends who do the same - encourage their sons to do the same. Maybe we need to encourage our sons to approach this differently. Let's really focus on them cuz apparently many of my counterparts find it too challenging to change, not that they shouldn't try hard. I am just trying to be realistic. The most difficult thing to change is a CULTURE and this has become a cultural thing...
I don't think anyone is going to argue with Notta that both black men and black women need to exercise more self-control and "sense" where sexual relationships are concerned. What has bothered me about her recent post and her last post is that it assumes some generality in the behavior of black folks. Not all sistas are chasing after married men (as I attempted to point out last week), and not all married men are sleeping with the women who make themselves available.
I don't say that to deflect attention away from these problems or act as if they don't exist. However, for me, they seem like manifestations of deeper structural and cultural problems as spook and crush have noted and aren't easily addressed.
I thought spook was on the right track in noting that cultural expectations of men and women play a significant role in gender relations. We must also look at why there is such a disparity between professional black men and women. Why are so many black men in prisons and so few of us in universities (I know the answers seem obvious but bear with me)? What effect has women's empowerment and their influx into the professions had on gender relations? We must begin to be able to answer some of these questions before we can address the behaviors. Neither can we simply shrug off the impact of larger American gender norms, which allow men of all races to be with women who are either at or below their level of educational or economic attainment, while professional women often find themselves rejected both by men at and below their socioeconomic level because they feel threatened or emasculated in some way by a woman with equal or greater earning power.
While I still believe that we all must shoulder our personal responsibility and not engage in the behavior Notta admonishes us to avoid (behavior I still assert many of us do avoid), I also think many cultural and societal inequities have conspired to create the current situation, and these issues need addressing in order to begin changing some of the dysfunctional behavior that Notta rightfully seeks to alter.
Notta-
This week a man I had dated a long time ago called out of the blue. He stopped by. I need to say he is very honest & fine. He will sometimes omit information but not lie.
I asked if he ever married he said "yes, but we're seperated".
Hmm,...? so I asked "Who got the house?" He gave no answer. Hmm,...? I said "Oh, that means you still live together but you don't have sex and stay in another room." He is very predictable.
He said "yes". I reponded "In my book you're married. You just don't have sex" Needless to say I had no romatic interest.
The truth? He is not interested in his wife anymore but still doesn't want to divorce. Furthermore, he's enjoying a dual income lifestyle.
Wow, it is interesting what SOME men will try. Yes, he would've if he could've
For once, I agree with just about everything you said. :-)
Seriously, if everyone really believed and applied your concept (just because you can, doesn't mean you should) we all might be in a better place. You know I hate the fact that you use the n-word and just b/c you can, doesn't mean you should. The fact of the matter is when it comes to men and women, there will always be people who take advantage of one another. Sad, but true. Although there are some people out there that make black men and women look bad, it is important to note that the majority of black women and men are involved in healthy, loving relationships.
In response to both posts and the responses that have followed, I must say that some of the opinions I have read so far have been dead on target....from both sides of the fence. Definitely good stuff. I can honestly say that from my own experiences I have seen the manner in which men have dogged out women due to the fact that they are considered "hot commodities". BUT...I don't agree with the victimized mask women try to hide behind because as stated before, men are only going to do what they are allowed to do.
Here is my issue with all of this....
Why is there such an emphasis being placed on qualities that should be as commonplace as breathing or scratching your head? Being professional or educated shouldn't make a man any more or less of a "hot commodity". True...those traits are indeed plusses to some. But as stated in an above post, does that worldly success add to a persons integrity level? In my humble opinion heck no. I know plenty of brothas who are strait up snakes in business suits. Because he's suited up and well spoken, that makes him a "hot" commodity??? Does that make him any more "real" than the next man who may not be doing things as big but could be a moral goldmine?
I think the way some (not all) women are being played out is due to the fact that these (not all) women are soooo blinded by the glossy overcoat of success that a man has achieved that they overlook the qualities which made men "MEN" over the years. The predatory brothas out there have caught on to the hype being placed on their accomplishments and are now using them to get over on the same women that gave them the "power" or whatever you want to call it in the first place. My advice, you don't want to be done wrong, don't leave it up to a quite possibly morally compromised man to keep ill treatment from falling upon you....take resposibility for yourself and look for what's really important; a man's ability to treat YOU how YOU want to be treated. Sitting in university classrooms and corporate boardrooms doesn't build moral character and isn't a prerequisite for being a "hot commodity". The sooner that is realized by the women who have made it so...the men who have used the "powers" for ill purposes will have to go at their manipulative practices in another fashion.
In closing, and I won't let my brothas totally off the hook. Real men don't use outstanding accomplishments as a means to increase the notches on headboards/belts...Real men put those accomplishments to better use. Providing security for the women we should be loving...not exploiting. Taking better care of our families and setting the example for our little ones coming up...especially our sons. They are the ones who will see our behaviors and mimic them...for better or for worse.
I feel compelled to respond to the number of comments relating to my designation of the "professional" black man. Many of you have commented that women need to look beyond education and qualifications, and look at the "qualities which made men 'MEN' over the years," as "breal" put it. My question to you is, what is that has made men "MEN" over the years?
Traditionally, men (black and white) have been the breadwinners of their families. Many people grew up with fathers who, although they provided financially for their families, did so to the exclusion of providing their families with any emotional support. Is that what has made men "MEN?"
As far as education is concerned, for me, education goes WAY back in my family. I am one of the few people I know whose grandmother has a college degree. In turn, my father also has a college degree. My father is a "professional" man, and was always able to provide for us. He is the example that I followed in my pursuit of both my undergraduate and law degrees. So is it wrong for me to want to be with someone who is like my father -- or like myself for that matter?
Trust me, my use of the term "professional" does not in any way connote "rich" or "money." For example, teachers are professionals, and we all know that teachers are WAY underpaid. I am also not attempting to say that "professional" equals integrity. Clearly it does not. All I am saying is that I, and many other women, want to be with men who have similar interests and goals as us, and that we shouldn't have to compromise or settle for something less than that.
--Notta
I must agree with Notta and say that this isn't an issue that is predicated on socioeconomic status. I don't think anyone has suggested that financial success and education alone makes a man a "hot commodity." The "professional" qualifier, as Notta noted, only identifies a category of men that are more probably compatible with other "professional" women.
breal is also correct in asserting that integrity is not developed in university classrooms or corporate boardrooms, but no-one implied that they did. Although the discussion thus far has focused primarily on black professionals, we all know this is an issue that afflicts the larger black community regardless of ones education or income.
The fact is that some men think it is o.k. to hop from bed to bed without regard for the women and children they leave behind. Our own popular culture reinforces this behavior by celebrating these men as "pimps," or "playas." For those of you who still watch BET (I had to give it up), count how many videos feature a single black man or his crew surrounded by mindless video hos with vacant looks on their faces. Boys grow up watching this and when many of them have no male father figure to teach them otherwise, it becomes the model of their behavior. There is no-one to tell them the videos are fantasies and should not be anyone's reality. The videos are equally dangerous for young girls who learn that they are only valued for their bodies and their willingness to give it to men.
So...this has little to do with economic or social status. I am sorry if people have gotten that impression. As has been mentioned before by myself and others on this blog, there is a serious cultural problem right now within the black community. Until we mobilize, without respect to class or profession, and reject some of the more harmful cultural influences we have embraced, many of the problems Notta writes about will only persist.
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