Sunday, May 21, 2006

Tired Black Man?

***To gain perspective into this entry, you must have first viewed the video being referenced. If you have not received an email titled "Tired Black Man," and have not viewed the video contained therein, please click here before reading any further.***

Tired black man? Hmmm. He's right, he is tired, just not in the way he thinks. He's tired because he just perpetuates the stereotype that black women are angry and bitter. He's tired because he perpetuates that stereotype without considering the wrongs black women have suffered (and continue to suffer) at the hands of black men. He's tired because he thinks his worth is based on the financial security he has provided for his family, rather than the emotional support that his family really needs.

The website says, "Now It's Black Men's Turn To Exhale." Like I've said in the past, I love black men, but ya'll can be some of the most dense people on earth. As I have had to explain to many a man in the past, "Waiting to Exhale" was not a movie with four black women bashing black men. Rather, it focused on the bad decisions that women make in life, including their bad decisions about men. So perhaps our "Tired Black Man" is just tired because he keeps picking the wrong women.

To the "Tired Black Man" and all the men out there who are like him, it sounds like YOU are the ones who are bitter. It sounds like you are trying to pawn off your poor judgment and bad decision-making skills on women, rather than taking accountability for your own actions.

By the way -- before the comments start -- unlike the sistas in the video, I DO have a man.



tryin2learn said...

You said you love us and with the same breath you call us “dense”! What kind of irony is that?
James stated he is tired because he was tired of coming home to DRAMA with his ex-wife Tonya (who by the way does not WORK). He did not state that he is tired of ALL black women, just Tonya. The best part he put Tonya and her crew in check and he did not call them out of their name like they did! Answer me this, what type of disrespect did James do to Tonya? It appears he took care of her and now that they are divorced then why is it a problem who in the hell he dates. Is he not being a REAL man by taking care of his responsibilities?
Notta your mouth say you got a man!

Notta Golddigger said...

tryin2learn -- You sound quite bitter yourself. I realize you are "tryin2learn" so let me see if I can assist you with that.

First, the words "love" and "dense" are not incongruous, meaning, they are not inconsistent with each other. I can love someone, while still recognizing that person may act dense at times.

Second, sometimes you have to look beyond the face of something to get the real meaning. By saying that he was tired of coming home to drama, and that he wanted to come home to a peaceful house (and then cut to the white woman sitting in the car), implies that he could not find that peace with a black woman, but had to turn to a white woman to find it. Now if you read carefully, my entry did not chastise him for dating a white woman, it chastised him (and the video) for pertuating stereotypes about black women.

Third, to address your question "what type of disrespect did James do to Tonya," the answer is that we don't know -- which further supports my comments. We cannot look at the contempt that Tonya holds for James in a vacuum. He may have cheated on her, or disrespected her in some other way. My point was aimed at addressing the reasons why Tonya has such contempt for him. But the fact that he supported her financially doesn't mean he was taking care of his responsibilities, or that her contempt for him is unfounded.

Lastly, as for the last sentence in your comment, I'm not really sure what you are saying as the sentence is intelligible; so perhaps you can elaborate.


Notta Golddigger said...

I just noticed two typos in my last comment:

3rd paragraph, last sentence -- insert "perpetuating" instead of "pertuating"

Last paragraph -- insert "UNINTELLIGIBLE" instead of "intelligible"

tryin2learn said...

er no… a wee bit upset hmmm maybe!
To sum it up I did take a fence to your comment, but this is one of the age old things that is not gonna change. Whenever a black man is seen with a white woman, some black women are going to think he gave up on sista’s or he can’t handle a black woman. So this video is not stereotyping ALL black women.
I believe you read too much into that, that James found peace with a white woman…what he said he was tired of the drama with Tonya. Would it still be such a big issue James dated a Hispanic or Asian lady?
How do they justify Joy dating a white man?
In the video one of her friends stated “I know you ain’t going to let James disrespect you”. How is that disrespect?
Yes we don’t know what actually happen between them but he was just there to pick up his daughter!
If I was James I wouldn’t have brought her over there just to avoid the drama

As far as my last comment…that was unintelligent remarks…please forgive me!

Curry said...

I’m a bit divided on this one. Personally, I’m sick of hearing black men categorize black women as being mean, stubborn, dramatic, or any other stereotype. I’m also very tired of hearing black women categorize black men in the numerous ways that we’re categorized. Here’s the thing, the irony of stereotypes is that they almost ALWAYS hold SOME sense of truth. Obviously they do not apply to everyone, but there is some truth to most stereotypes about both black men and black women.

Having said that, I can identify & relate to the brotha in this clip to an extent. I think the same argument would have been much more powerful and persuasive had the “white women” element not have been added. Personally, I think any women would’ve brought about that reaction from the ladies. Do we know the history of that relationship? No. Do we know what individual things were done by BOTH parties to help contribute to the destruction of that relationship? No. I’ve personally been in those shoes (minus the white women part), and frankly, I was accused of the EXACT same thing even though there was NO other women. I believe that there are certain black women that are consumed with stereotypes and statistics, and no matter what you do or say, if you’re not “man enough” or patient enough to deal with them, then you’re automatically categorized. I should have picked that up before I got involved with this person, MY fault!

On the other side of it, black men use those same stereotypes about black women as a way out of commitments that they no longer want to fulfill. This is absolutely embarrassing because not all black women are like that! Do black women have a bit more ‘fire’, if you will, than other races of women? Yes! But have you asked yourself “why” is it like that? From a historical aspect, that ‘fire’ is what was absolutely necessary for black women to stand & excel in the most adverse & unequal social order in America. Even without that black women are still more engaging that other women. If you know that, then you’re able to see the strength in having that trait. However, that alone doesn’t release black women from the accountability of their own actions… Bottom line is that if we (black couples) can just learn & practice the art of accountability & forgiveness, it would be SO much easier for us to remain together. Black women; learn how to say “I was wrong!” Black men: learn how to be patient with our women and learn how to say “You’re right!” … It’s not that hard.

Women, you want your 'black man' to stick around, pick & choose your battles. It might feel good to unload on your man, but it's not always beneficial and is usually more destructive than constructive. You try to destroy his manhood with your mouth, be ready to be alone.

MEN, be ready to be called out when you're in the wrong. Man up, stop making excuses, and learn how to shut up and swallow your pride. Every battle is not designed for you to win. Women are much sharper than we are.

Anonymous said...

I saw that horrible clip last month. I don't have a problem with interracial dating when it's for love. But I do have a problem with this film. You can see that the person who wrote this "dense" piece of work really does not have a lick of creativity. The screenplay reads like a 8th grader wrote it. I am so tired of these filmakers not bringing the extra effort to produce quality art....and they wonder why these type movies pass by the movie theaters straight to the video store and just sit on the shelf.


Angela Memphis.

Notta Golddigger said...

Thank you for your kind comments Angela, I really appreciate that! I need the reassurance and encouragement sometimes!! :)


vwunder1 said...

Wow, this is where I go back to my college days. I always tried to be a leader and mediator in the black community. I took this responsibility so far as to moderate not one but two discussions on black male / black female relationships. In the end, my conclusion was that our discussions did more harm than good. Why? And why the hell would anyone make a film like this? And why are we debating this issue?

The answer is because this is the BIGGEST problem in the black community right now. I must admit I have a lot vested in this in light of my current failed relationship with a black woman; however, I now know no matter how much I tried to never deal with the black male/ black female debacle dating back to college, this is the most imperative issue we must figure out as a people. It affects our children, our health, our wealth, our self-worth, our sex lives, and our broader societal perception, need I go on?

Do I have the answers? Nope! But I do have a few suggestions, and I will list them below:

-STOP treating our male / female relationship issues as a Black thing. It's not primarily that - yes we have some pathologies associated with slavery's effect on our relationships (family separation, raping of black women); however, I believe our primary issues are male / female issues, not “black people traits.” By thinking we are incapable of long-lasting relationships because of our Blackness we fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
-STOP diving into relationships without really knowing your potential mate. You must ask questions, you must ask questions, you must ask questions, and you must demand answers.
-STOP thinking you can change that person - homie (the brotha) and Bob (not the brotha) ain't going to get a job just because you have a kid with him; sista girl (the sista) and Susie (not the sista) ain't going to stop being materialistic because you need to save for college for the kids; these are male female = human being issues, not just black people issues, but you better take heed
- START being yourself at all costs; if that fly sista who you really like doesn't like the fact that you go bowling every Saturday morning and you think you are going to stop just because she's fly, road to ruin
-START putting yourself first - not selfishly, but honestly; be true to the things that make you happy and make sure you spend your romantic time with those who either are as passionate about your honest pursuits and self-identity or at least value being with you enough to "honor" your true identity; you cannot subsume your needs forever
-START viewing romantic partners as teammates; he must be down for you when the going gets tough; he can't put you on Front Street in front of the crew, but he must then work on team chemistry when you get home and tell you about yourself, obviously this goes both ways

NUMBER ONE RULE - Don't get married before thirty - You are not mature enough yet in the context of today's society. I won't elaborate on this one, but trust VWUNDER1 on it.

By the way, I am so passionate about Black Women (and the sublime truths they bring to my life), no matter the failures, I KNOW that I will find the right woman, who happens to be black.

I won't go on, but I know I could. Check for the book in ‘08.