Sunday, December 17, 2006

Why Do Men Cheat?

I was talking to a friend the other day about why men cheat. (Before anyone starts, yes, I realize that women cheat too, but the focus of this piece is on men.) As a man defending the behavior of his own kind, my friend was quick to cite to some deep-rooted psychological reasons why men cheat. He equated a cheating man to an overweight person who can't control their eating. (YES, he seriously said this!)

I, on the other hand, think men cheat because they are flat out GREEDY!!! A man could have everything: a good job, a beautiful wife who loves and adores him, and a couple of great kids; yet, he still feels the need to step out on his wife. To me, the only answer to this quandary is greed. Men need to feel like they are in control at all times. Cheating on their wives give them that control.

Furthermore, it seems like men are just going crazy with this whole cheating-thing now. I've seen a guy hitting on other women while at his wife's work function. How triflin' is that? Come on now, if you're gonna cheat, at least have enough respect for your wife to not do it in front of her co-workers. I just don't understand that. DISCRETION is the key word. Don't make your wife look like an a$$ in front of her people.

Maybe I'm wrong and men really do cheat because of their own psychological problems. Hmmm, on second thought, I'm not wrong. Greed drives adulterous behavior -- bottom line. Either way, cheating is just plain wrong. I have seen too many people hurt by cheating men, and I have been approached too many times by men trying to cheat with me. What's the point of getting married if you're just going to cheat? Why risk losing your family? Just to get a little piece on the side?? That's just ignorant.



MD said...

Your reason for saying men cheat is too much of a blanket statement for me. I understand what you're saying about the men who cheat out of greed and those who have psychological issues. I on the other hand know men who cheat because their wives no longer want to have sex with them because they're too tired from work, or dealing with the kids. I have friends that have to make appointments with their wives to have sex. How whack is that! Women have to realize, the same way you got that man is the same way that you're going to keep him!

Then you have situations where the wife may gain fifty pounds and start buying their clothes from Walmart because now that they're married, they could care less how they look or carry themselves. That kills me when I hear women
who complain about why their man is never home and all the woman does is eat, gain a rack of pounds, lay on the couch watching Oprah with a big bowl of ice

Then of course is the big one. Many of the relationships that you put under the umbrella of the men being greedy, is just the simple realization that the two people just got married too damn young. Anybody that gets married in their early to mid-twenties nowadays are setting themselves up for
failure. The odds of that marriage surviving without the man cheating are lower than those marriages that were formed a little later in life. Even those marriages where both parties are professionals, have the perfect kids, perfect house, nice cars, because the two never had the opportunity of living out the
SINGLE stage of their lives fully, the man will cheat because he feels like he
missed something.

Just my two cents on the subject ;)

r. parrish said...

Your post was so broad and filled with such fire and brimstone that I felt compelled to respond. I'll preface my comments by stating that I am a married man (6 and a half years) and have not cheated on my wife even though I got married in my early twenties depsite what the previous poster had to say. That doesn't mean I'm some kind of saint and haven't been tempted, but so far I've been able to exhibit some self-control, which I think most of this issue boils down to (but more on that later).

As for the causes of cheating (for men and women alike), I think there are countless reasons. Control, however, is probably not one of them. In fact, I think the opposite may be true. A person who cheats actually loses a measure of control because they lose moral authority in their house. Just as a personal example, my mother's father had a reputation for being a womanizer. He was a railroad worker and the rumor was that he had a girlfriend in just about every town he worked in. My grandmother let him do his thing as long as he was discreet and didn't disrespect her because at the end of the day you really can't control what another person does. My grandmother, however, RAN her house and held complete authority over my grandfather at home becuase he lacked any moral authority to tell her what to do. My grandmother held the true power in that situation because if my grandfather stepped out of line, she could always call him out on his infidelities and embarrass him in front of his kids and neighbors. I know this isn't always the case, but I mention it to illustrate that the cheater doesn't necessarily gain any control through their actions and more likely loses some.

Like your friend, I think there are some people who cheat to satisfy some psychological need. Some people have a psychological need for as much attention as they can get, others need all the affection they can get, or have a need to feel like they are attractive/desirable, etc., you get my point. I also think there is some greed mixed in with those impulses, so perhaps you and your friend are both partially correct. However, having known couples that have split up over cheating--these psychological/greed issues are a minority of the situations I've seen.

Here's what I see going on and perhaps some of the married people have noticed the same thing. There are 2 unrealistic and romanticized ideals a majority of Americans enter marriages believing, which I think makes them vulnerable to divorce or adultery. They are: (1) my man/woman is everything I could ever wish for in a man/woman and is "perfect"; they fulfill my every need, dream, desire, etc.; and (2) because I have met this wonderfully perfect person, I will never feel an attraction to any other person again. I will deal with each in turn, but generally, people who don't realize or have a difficult time coming to terms with the fallacy of those two ideals aren't able to find peace in their relationships and be happy with what they've got. Instead the spend a lot of time seeking out what they perceive they lack and end up cheating or divorced.

O.K...first truth--no man or woman can fulfill every need you have. For example, I love hip hop but my wife is indifferent to it. Music and art are very important to me but not nearly as important to my wife. I often go to hip hop shows solo because we both recognize she wouldn't enjoy it. Inevitably I will meet women at shows with similar interests as me as far as art and music are concerned. I am able to have conversations about music with these women that my wife would be disinterested or lost in. My point is two-fold: (1) just because my wife doesn't share every interest I have (even an important one) doesn't mean there is something missing from our relationship or wrong with it; and (2) just because another woman does share that ONE interest or is more compatable with me in that ONE way doesn't mean she is better suited for me than my wife or that I have to sleep with her.

Sounds simple, but I've seen more than a few friends and acquaintances run off with someone new because something was "missing" in their relationship that a new person was able to provide. In almost every case the new person only fulfilled a specific need and left the seeker still seeking for the "perfect" match. The problem is that that person does not exist. People have to become comfortable loving what they got and being able to also recognize what they don't have. Just don't get wrapped up in what you don't have, unless it is a major deficiency. Again, I'm no saint--I've struggled with this in the past but have been able to be honest enough with myself to avoid getting my heart and mind caught up in a situation where I might cheat.

Truth 2, which is related to Truth 1--just because you are committed to someone doesn't mean you're not going to be attracted to other people. We have got to admit to the fact that we are nothing more than sophisticated biological animals. We have hormones and there will be a biological trigger when we encounter a person we find attractive mentally or physically. What separates us from other biological animals is that we have the ability of rational thought and can use self-control in most cases. Many people are able to exercise self-control, but I agree with your friend that there are other people who can't and are similar to alcoholics or over-eaters. It's just another biological stimulus like any other and like the others, some people lack the body chemistry to resist the biological urge--but I am digressing since I believe the majority of us can control ourselves.

My point with Truth 2 is that people get overly anxious when they find themselves attracted to someone else because we are told that our biological process somehow shuts down after we commit ourselves to someone. Rather than confronting our atrraction, understanding it for what it is, and placing appropriate boundaries to prevent yourself from potentially acting on in it and cheating, a lot of people feel guilty and repress it. People try to bury it thinking they are being disrespectful to their mate to admit an attraction, which I have found is dangerous because the tension simply builds and makes you more vulnerable to expressing it when an opportunity to do so presents itself. In fact, the more open you can be about it--the better. Personally, I tell my wife in a respectful and subtle way (often she will just ask me) the people I find attractive because not only does it encourage me to set boundries, but it allows her to critique me if she thinks I'm falling short in that regard.

One last thing for the men on this topic. We don't have to sleep with every pretty woman we come across (Notta's greed concern). I know that sounds crazy to some but I remember coming to that realization before I decided it was time to get married. There is always going to be another pretty face. We can't and nor should we desire to be with every one of them. It takes letting go of some of your ego but the tradeoff is well worth it in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I received this response from a good friend who stated that men cheat because there was opportunity and they choose to cheat or accepted the opportunity. Basically, there is no one response to the question. He went one to state that “men have this twisted sense of pain, and what causes pain for the women in our lives. When I say twisted, I mean that men often look at a piece of the big picture, and think that piece is the whole. Believe it or not, most men think about the future of their lies and the effects they will have....but only from their point of view. When men do this, they formulate an idea based on their lie, viewed through their eyes, and they believe that they are accepting the lesser of two evils by telling the woman a lie. This is where the pain begins - the woman (a vast majority of time) does not view any part of the situation from the man's point of view. As creatures of habit and control, men do not accept this viewpoint that women have, and will continue to lie to support their twisted viewpoint of how the lie, and any events thereafter should go. When they realize their mistake (if they ever realize it), it's much too late. Not sure if this is of any help, but thought I would take a shot at it. That was the basis of my lies many years ago. I stopped lying when I realized the truth was more effective.”

Miss Lady said...

I received this response from a good friend who stated that men cheat because there was opportunity and they choose to cheat or accepted the opportunity. Basically, there is no one response to the question. He went one to state that “men have this twisted sense of pain, and what causes pain for the women in our lives. When I say twisted, I mean that men often look at a piece of the big picture, and think that piece is the whole. Believe it or not, most men think about the future of their lies and the effects they will have....but only from their point of view. When men do this, they formulate an idea based on their lie, viewed through their eyes, and they believe that they are accepting the lesser of two evils by telling the woman a lie. This is where the pain begins - the woman (a vast majority of time) does not view any part of the situation from the man's point of view. As creatures of habit and control, men do not accept this viewpoint that women have, and will continue to lie to support their twisted viewpoint of how the lie, and any events thereafter should go. When they realize their mistake (if they ever realize it), it's much too late. Not sure if this is of any help, but thought I would take a shot at it. That was the basis of my lies many years ago. I stopped lying when I realized the truth was more effective.”

Anonymous said...

Mysteries of the Sexes Explained

Provided by

Why Men Cheat
Posted by David Zinczenko
on Thu, Nov 30, 2006, 10:34 am PST
Post a Comment

Of course, we all know that while men and women are both capable of cheating, it's often the guys who have the biggest problem keeping their belts firmly buckled. And we all know that no matter who it's with, why it's done, or where the after-hours canoodling takes place, cheating is-most of the time-the ultimate relationship death sentence. But instead of dwelling on what happens after the cheating takes place, one of the ways to perhaps prevent infidelity is by knowing a little bit about why men stray. I'm not offering them as excuses, merely explanations as to what happens in that brain (and other body parts) of his-in hopes that you might be able to prevent it. Here, the top reasons why men cheat:
To Fulfill His Biology: You know the old anthropological tale. A man's main job, besides killing the saber-tooth, is to spread his seed in order to ensure the survival of his genetic legacy. It's a man's biology to want to wander. Does that mean he should, or that he can't help it? Of course not. But it does mean that a man is going to have strong-extremely strong-biological urges to knock on the doors of neighboring huts. I have had this argument/discussion/conversation with dozens of men and women: Are men predestined to cheat? My answer is no, they're not-despite their biology. But often times, they do have to fight it. Especially after a pitcher and two shots of Jack.

To Get the Attention: News flash: Sure, some guys cheat because, well, maybe the sexual frequency has slowed a bit, and maybe hot-and-heavy happens at home about as often as Rob Schneider gets nominated for an Oscar. But the truth is that plenty of men who are having regular sex with their partner are also having sex with someone else. Why? Because cheating isn't just about the sex. Just as a woman who cheats may be seeking more affection than what she's getting at home, a man often cheats because he's seeking the attention that he no longer gets at home. Part of the allure of the mysterious woman isn't just to find out what she looks like naked; it's that the woman showers the man with flirtations, with seduction, with advances that make him feel like he's worthy of more than just fixing dents in the drywall.

To Get Out: I know lots of guys who simply don't have the strength to end it. They may try ("I'm just not happy"), or they may take other tactics to drive a woman away. A lot of guys simply have trouble breaking off relationships because they don't want to be perceived as that bad guy, the jerk, the insensitive lout who ended something good. So they tiptoe around the issue in hopes that she'll get so frustrated that she'll back out first. Well, if that doesn't work, then a man knows that the only way out is to commit the relationship sin that drives a woman away for good. It's not right, but it's what happens.

To Change Up His Play List: Think about what's on your iPod. You have your favorite songs you play over and over, but every once in a while, you're in the mood to hear something you haven't played in a long time. You don't need to hear it but once every month or so, but still, you appreciate the changeup. Relationships need to be like good iPods lists. You're comfortable with your routine and you like your routine, but it's always nice to change things up. What men really want in relationships (and what I suspect women also want) is to be able to take comfort in the routine of a long-term commitment, as long as there are some surprises that make it feel like a new relationship every once in a while. In order to keep the relationship strong, you've got to change the songs every once in a while. That goes for in the bedroom and out.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hello Notta-

I'd like to start by saying that I really hope you don't think ALL men cheat. I don't think I saw the words 'some' 'many' 'most' 'a few' or 'certain' in front of the word MEN at all. This sounds like a very blanket statement about us MEN. But your blog leads me to believe that you are a very intelligent Sista' so, I'm gonna' assume YOU KNOW ALL MEN DON'T CHEAT!

But let me get to my point. Sadly, a lot of guys do cheat. Commitment means next to nothing with a lot of men. I don't think I'll ever forget a guy I know telling me that I got married "the right way" because lots of people knew about it. But he had tried hard to keep his wedding a secret because he still had 'some booty around the job to get.' For guys like him, marriage is 'just something to do' more men have to take their vows seriously, and simply put they just don't.

I think far too many guys equate sexual prowess as the key to being a man. You can't spread your sexual conquests around with just your wife they fooloishly think. So, STUPIDITY is a great reason for infidelity.

Another issue is - we all want to be the PREDATORS we were when we were 23. As guys get older we want to still feel like we can get it! With some guys as we get a little older and specs of gray peek in our goatees or we have to shave our heads because the hairline is receeding a bit, we still want to know that we can get it. With some men, a simple smile from the fine Sista' in the elevator is enough. But sadly, for others they aren't happy until they're gettin' busy.

Before I get too long winded, I'd just like to add, some men cheat because their wives LET THEM no, not ALL wives, but enough. Many women are their own worst enemies with cheating men because too many look the other way at the wiff of perfume on a shirt; too many pretend the phone number in the pocket is for hubby's job; too many figure that when their husbands come home and run straight to the shower, they're just sweaty. Many men cheat BECAUSE THEY CAN. Does this excuse them, HELL NO! Does it explain it, yes, in some cases it does. I think if more women pulled their men up when they suspected cheating and gave them an ultimatum, or straight served them with divorce papers, them 80% or this cheating would stop overnight! But far too many wives don't want their business in the street, or they don't want to be single moms or they don't want to look like a failed wife, or they like the fact that hubby makes 6 figures - SO THEY LOOK THE OTHER WAY! This doesn't excuse cheating, but adds depth to the subject.

For me, I'm married for over five years, I love my wife and my kids and my life. I'm also human, and I still want to think I'm as sharp now as I was when I was 23. But for me, I love my wife and kids TOO MUCH to disrespect them {YES ALL OF THEM] by cheating on my wife and by cheating on my kids MOTHER! Add in the fact that I would NEVER NEVER want my wife to NOT be able to trust me and that I would be miserable if she left me, especially over some dumb shit that I did!!!

One last note, for any women that think their men might be cheating on them, slip a copy of "The Way of the Superior Man" under their pillow. It is an excellent book on the male mind and the male heart and it even talks about infidelity in a very eye opening way for both men and the women they love.

Thanks Notta'

Notta Golddigger said...

Before I start, I think its interesting that no women have responded to this posting (other than the comment from Anonymous, who could be a woman, but who is referencing comments by a man).

Okay, now to respond to these comments that have been posted.

What I'm hearing from many of these comments is that men cheat because women let them or women get fat and undesirable, etc., etc. That's a total cop out. I don't care if your woman "lets" you cheat -- you still shouldn't do it. Its GREED that drives men to do things they know they have no business doing, no matter how easy it is to do it. And as for women getting fat or becoming otherwise undesirable? That's a load of crap. Stop trying to blame the woman for your indiscretions!!! Take accountability for you own actions and stop blaming other people.

To The Thinking Black Men, yes, I do understand that not ALL black men cheat (and thank you for recognizing that I'm intelligent enough to know this); however, I do think that men who do not cheat are in the minority. And that is based on personal experiences. I see it happening too much to think otherwise.

To r.parrish - I agree that men who cheat proably lose "control" rather than gain it; however, I never said their rationalization made sense. I've seen situations where a man lives up with a woman, doesn't have a job while his woman goes to work everyday, and in every other respect is not living up to the type of man that black men are raised to be. Consequently, he searches for some way to get control of his manhood back, which oftentimes results in his sleeping around (and even bringing other women into his woman's bed). TRIFLIN'!!!

If you are that unhappy in your marriage to the point where you want to cheat, then just leave. Cheating is actually the punk way out. Stand up and be a man: either address your situation at home, or go on and get a divorce.

r. parrish said...

I agree with the thinking black man--a smile from an attractive woman in the elevator goes a long way and I too love my wife and son too much to risk it over something as shallow as a inconsequential sexual conquest. At the end of the day I need to be able to look my wife in the eyes without shame or guilt. Life becomes too stressful otherwise.

Notta--you and ttbm point out something interesting though. The idea that men feel the need to assert their manhood through their sexual prowess. I've found that the true test of manhood has been laying all of the sexual conquesting aside and resisting temptation (cause women will try to tempt you even knowing that you are taken) in order to focus on being a solid husband and father.

Notta Golddigger said...

VERY good point, r.parrish. I wish more men thought the same way. However, it is unfortunate that in our society, male dominance is partially predicated on a man's sexual prowess. Check out the latest rap videos. They glamourize the depiction of men as sexual beings who use and dispose of women as if they're Kleenex.

r. parrish said...

I'm no exception. More of us feel that way than you think. Often other men who are trying to do the right thing by their women rely on one another to keep each other in check when they have a male friend or family member that might be close to slipping up.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Well said R.PARRISH!

At the end of the day I need to be able to look my wife in the eyes without shame or guilt. Life becomes too stressful otherwise.


Notta The rap videos are a great point to raise! I love to see beautiful women, but so many of these rap videos present these women as mindless, half-naked, bouncing, sexual playthings which serve no other purpose than hyping the rappers delusion of personal manhood!


Anonymous said...

As a female, I understand Notta's position, however, I feel as though women are just as accountable for men cheating. Specifically, we as women ALLOW men to cheat and ACCEPT it. If we suspect our men cheating, then we put on our investigative hats and get to work----however, when we discover what we thought---WE STAY! What the F*&k!!! Yet, we want to be all heartbroke and sad talking about men aren't sh%t...

Next point: If a man tells a woman he is in a relationship or married, why don't we as women leave well enough alone? We don't because we want to feel as though we are all that, sexy and seductive enough to take him from his woman and even his wife! Then, when things don't turn out the way we expected, we are talking about men aren't sh%t! How can we?

Now, I do feel as though some men take it to far with their infidelities; nonetheless, I feel as though we play a big role in making it easy for men to cheat---at one time or another (I think I can safely say) we (women) have dealt with a man who was already in a relationship or married...

I'm just tryin' to Keep it REAL...

BTW: Merry Christmas!!!

Notta Golddigger said...

anonymous - I couldn't agree more! Like I've told people before, women who accept cheating behavior make it hard on all of us. And if women didn't accept cheating behavior, men wouldn't do it. I think a lot of that has to do with low self-esteem and the feeling that they won't be able to find another man, so they want to hold on to the one they have -- cheating and all.

That said, just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Men love to blame their infidelities on women, rather than take accountability for their own actions like adults. If cheating is your thing, just own up to the fact that YOU chose to cheat -- not that someone else provoked you to do it.

Seaniemo said...

What a topic and what a question. And keeping as real as I can I will say NO ONE knows the real answer to that question. Many can guess and speculate on what they think the real reason is but NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE (outside of GOD of course) has the definative answer to this.

One thing that vexes me is the generalization of the question. Or at least the manner in which the question comes across. But let me approach my answer from the other side of the tracks.

For quite a few years now WOMAN have come into their own independence (and that is cool) in a way men never imagined. For example: I am financially the bigger bread winner in my home but my wife has this independence thing going like she is the only one making the money. Me personally I laugh because I know that is internal and only she can correct it.

I will never forget her telling me being intimate is one of those things that has no priority to her. She is 90% mother and 10% wife but I love her no matter what. Now some woman suffer from the same thing as she and that leaves a door open for a man who does seek some form of affection from his mate.

Now yes I have cheated because of the lack of affection and yes guilt did hit & hurt me. And ultimately I confessed it to her. And I also explained that due to the lack of affection from her that is why I did it.

Now in her eyes she has always been a single mother and even though she never really has been and because the good man ratio is so low most woman have to settle for what they get "Because I want to be held sometimes" as they put it. So hear you have a good man, about his work across the board but lacking affection at home and you have another woman who does notice. What do you get?

In closing...A man will only cheat if the woman has made up in her mind he is going to get it. AND that is real.

Notta Golddigger said...

Seaniemo, thanks for being open and honest with your comments; however, your comments prove what I said in a previous comment. Men will find any reason they can to blame their cheating on the woman. You say that your wife was not being affectionate with you, and that she openly told you that intimacy was not important to her. If you knew this before you got married, you shouldn't have gotten married. If you didn't find this out until after you were already married, why not try to work out those issues with her instead of turning to another woman?

Do you see what I'm saying here? If your (not "your" personally, but in a generic sense) marital problems are causing you to have interest in sleeping with other women, then you need to evaluate the viability of your marriage. Why muck it up even more by adding a mistress to the equation? And why blame the woman for something you chose to go out and do yourself?

Additionally, I sensed a bit of arrogance in your comment, specifically with your statement, "I am financially the bigger bread winner in my home but my wife has this independence thing going like she is the only one making the money. Me personally I laugh because I know that is internal and only she can correct it." To me, it sounds like you've put yourself on a pedestal while you mimic your wife. Perhaps your wife's lack of intimacy has deeper roots than you'd like to believe. Just my thoughts as an outsider looking in.

Seaniemo said...

No doubt whatever it is is deeper than I. I am not going to try and take on resolving it. I do pray one day it will be resolved. Now as far as my blaming lack of intimacy on sleeping with other woman...I wasn't trying to make it sound as if that was the real reason because it only made up the smaller portion of my decision to do that.

Is it really arrogance or is it honesty? Honesty more than anything. None of it has to do anything with the dollar and cents of it for me personally. But it does play a role for her (this has been verbally stated). The main reason I married her was because I do love her. Marriage is just like life...we make it what we want it to be. Personally for me I have had 27 years with her (both on and off) and I have done that getting to know another woman thing.

But in the end the other woman in some way could not deal with the relationship I had with her when it came to the children or they tried to replace the mother which they nor I needed.

A year ago I posted a blog called PLAYAISM 101 and the thing that inspired me to write it was a conversation 2 former co-workers had and "How much one gets". I believed then and I still believe now it really isn't THE MAN who intiates nor decides if the PUNANNY is to be gotten. The woman knows before he opens his mouth.

Men are always about conquering this is true. But woman know how to manipulate. Men are always going to be weak for it and if it is to be gotten, most will go after it. But let a woman get him to the point, then say "NO"...what happens? Unless he is a rapist, he may try again but ultimately unless and until she say "YES" it really is HER that allows it.

No blame, it's just "THE GAME"

The Thinking Black Man said...

Usually I'm with my Brother SEANIEMO on issues, but I can't say I'm on board with his last position.

He said he cheated on his wife and felt so guilty that he confessed to her. He didn't CONFESS to her, he actually BLAMED her - regardless of how he sees it.

I always feel this is a VERY selfish thing for people to do to their spouses - NOT JUST MEN, BUT WOMEN TOO! If you are married and you have issues, whatever they may be and you turn to another for sex, or whatever. And then you feel guilty - THEN YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT WITHOUT TRYING TO TRANSFER IT ON ONTO YOUR SPOUSE!!!

If you cheat and can't handle it, then turn that negative into a positive - try harder to treat your spouse better, go confess to your preacher, volunteer at a youth center - just do something to get YOURSELF straight. But you DON'T take it home to your spouse and say, "Honey, I got busy with Suzie this weekend... and it was all your fault!" Then SHE is devastated, ALL in a selfish effort to ease YOUR CHEATIN' conscience!!! How fair is that?

If temptation is breathin' down your neck and that Trojan three pack is callin' your name! You've GOT to find a way to make things right at home first!!! Pull your lady up and hold her and talk to her. If she is real and YOU are real, you can find away! But coming home and DUMPING YOUR infidelity on her, so you can sleep a little better. That's pretty damn lame! If you are going to do dirt fellas' - handle yourself and keep that to yourself, don't destroy your wife because you are weak. If you want to make things right AFTER you screw up and screw around - then don't do it again, and make sure you treat your lady like a damn QUEEN everyday for the rest of life!

Sorry, SEANIEMO usually I'm HERE with you Bro - but I can't give you the nod on this one, man.

I'm not sure what answer you're looking for... I guess there is no one answer for cheating, it's a really big issue. I get the impression that you're kinda' reluctant to accept that women play a role SOMETIMES in mens infidelity - for what its worth, men play a part SOMETIMES in womens infidelity, too! But inevitiably, men and women know that at the moment - the VERY moment when they are about to be intimate with someone other than their spouse, it all comes down to them and their choice and their ultimate free will. Nobody is perfect and nobody is immune from tempation. Not too much more and not too much less about it.

Now what causes this temptation?

Yeah. All of the above.

tickledpink21 said...

I think it can be down to psychological problems, sometimes in repeat cases just through desensitisation. But of course its gotta be different in different circumstances.

One of the reasons both men and women can cheat is because they have very low self esteem (even tho it may not appear on the outside with men) and being approached by another person who shows an attraction to you gives you a big thrill. The admiration from your partner is not enough. Sometimes the worse you can get away with treating women and cheating can assure you that you are more loved.
Then you got some men (or women) who dont get everything with their partners i.e communication, affection and seek this out in some other person but still admire the loyal qualities of their "main bitch", and so will view this as just a top up of lurvin'.
Note that many women cheat in this way. Nearly all the women I kno have at some point been disatified with some lack in their partner and seeked out the company of another man, not to sleep with (well...the more self respecting females at least!) but to do a bit of talking and flirting.
Then you have Desensitization where an individual can be used to so much sex from a young age from multiple women and or viewing of porn that they can no longer be satified with normal sexual relations with one woman. I feel this can be intensified by early sexual experiences, media ideas of sex and entering sex in adolecence.
Babymother epidemic When it comes to Black relationships theres theres a growing acceptence that we have to share men. Especially if there is a baby involved. The status of the "main bitch", "wifey" (without a ring!) and "babaymother" is very similar. you have to learn to share his affections with all the others.

ronnie brown said...

"thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife...or anything of thy neighbor"...

Ehav Ever said...

Maybe your question is a bit broad and narrowing it down can help you find the answer you seek. Maybe, the better question is, what distinguishes a man who cheats from a man who does not cheat? Another way to rephrase this is, why do some men cheat while others do not? If you deal with it from that angle you can then analyze the differences between men who cheat and those who do not. As a man who does not cheat, I can say that I was raised not to cheat. In the society I come from finding a good woman and marrying her is one of the highest goals for a man. I am Jewish and African American. There is ancient Jewish saying, "A man who is 19 and not married it is almost as if he is living in sin." Another saying they had in the part of West Africa part of my family came from was "A man without a wife, is a man without a house." So since I was a kid my heroes were men who were married and treated their wives with the highest level of respect. For me to go against that would be like going against my own DNA. The other thing is that I have free will. I made a conscious choice that I would follow the culture I grew up with, and I decided that I wanted to follow in the footsteps the heroes I grew up with. This also means that I am selective in the woman I would decide to be with. She would also have to be in a similar cultural path as me. I think if you look at from this stand point, you will see that the issue isn't, "Why do Men Cheat" but instead "How Does a Woman Avoid Men Who have a nature of cheating?"