Sunday, February 05, 2006

Girlfriend, He Doesn't Care About You!!!!! -- Part I of II on Black Relationships

My sista, my girlfriend, my ace boom, I just have to say it, he does not care about you!!!! So stop throwing yourself at him, stop thinking you can change what you deem "his bad habits," and for goodness sake -- please stop trying to use sex to control him.

I apologize in advance for this lengthy entry, but there is much to say about this subject. This is Part I of a two-part series in which I address black relationships. Yes, these words are applicable to the masses of women -- regardless of race or nationality -- but again, I'm addressing my sistas (all sistas, even the groupies and golddiggers). However, my brothas, please don't think that you are off the hook. Part II will address the behavior of black men in the dating game. But for now, I'm focusing on my girls.

Black women are beautiful, intelligent, regal, and inspiring creatures. From the days that our ancestors were pickin' cotton in the cotton fields, we have held down our households by serving as the backbone of our families, and carrying ourselves with both dignity and grace. We take care of our business by pursuing our careers and raising our children at the same time (many times without the assistance of a man).

So why is it that so many of us sell ourselves short by "entertaining" men who do not have our best interests at heart? Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking "at" you all, I'm talking "with" you, because I have been there too. We've all been there. The question is: at what point do you start to value yourself, and realize that you deserve better?

I used to live in Washington D.C., a.k.a. "Chocolate City," where professional black people abound. Women who have never lived in D.C. always have the impression that because there are so many professional black men there, the dating options are endless. However, just the opposite is true. Sure D.C. has a much bigger selection of professional black men than most cities, but it also has a much much bigger selection of professional black women. I always give people this scenario: you start off with a pool of professional black men -- take away those who are married, those who are gay, and those who don't date sistas, and you are left with an even smaller pool of "available" professional black men. (Yes, emphasis on "available.") Contrast that with the plethora of available professional black women (which is evidenced by the huge numbers of sistas in college compared to brothas), and you're left with a large discrepancy in numbers. Because of this shortage in available professional black men, too many of us "settle" for men who are bad for us just to be able to say we have a man. Yet, that same man is out with LaToya, LaTonya, LaKeisha, and everybody else and their mama -- when he should be at home with his woman.

But tsk, tsk ladies. NEWSFLASH -- a man will only do what you allow him to do. Stop letting him treat you like you are disposable. You not only de-value yourself by doing that, but you make it hard on those of us who choose to be alone rather than deal with unnecessary drama from a man. Because you allow him to cheat on you, sleep with you and then go home to wifey, and generally disrespect you -- and then let him back in your heart and your bed, you diminish yourself and diminish the value of black women in general. Why would a man put up with a strong woman with values and standards, when he knows with you he can do as he pleases and still come home? STOP IT! Stop doing it to yourself, and stop doing it to the rest of us. I'm sick of hearing you complain about how your man doesn't treat you right, yet that fool is always up in your bed. Just stop it, he doesn't care about you, and you know it.

Black women, we need to take back our power and strength. We have to learn how to value ourselves again. We have to be able to recognize men who are bad for us, and leave them alone. We cannot continue to diminish our value by settling for men who constantly break our spirits and minds. We have to recognize when a man does not care about us, and choose to leave him alone. The longer we continue to accept lying, cheating, and disrespectful men in our beds, the longer we continue to de-value the honor and grace with which black women have guided their families throughout time.

--Notta

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with you on this topic. simply put, black women have to show a man how she wants and deserves to be treated. therefore, we can not demand a commitment when we accept his dating multiple women; we cannot demand monogamy when we accept his sleeping with multiple women in addition to us; we cannot demand chilvary after we have paid for all the dates and we initiate most if not all things rather than allowing him to pursue us and actually "court" us (as my grandmother would say).

Notta Golddigger said...

FYI, someone also posted a good reply to this week's entry in the comment section under my picture. Be sure to check out that comment also! Just scroll down and click on the "comments" button underneath my picture.

--Notta

Anonymous said...

Forgive my naivete, but where are these women of which you speak? I've read the statistics and know many professional black women having a difficult time finding a black man, but I have yet to meet a woman who would settle for a married or otherwise attached man just to have somebody. I have seen women settle for men who aren't nearly as intelligent or on top of their business as they are, but I can't picture any woman I know that would consciously enter into a relationship that has little chance of being anything other than dysfunctional.

I guess my question to Notta is: who are these women? From the responses I've read, you seem to be preaching to the choir. Why would anyone accept a relationship on those terms? I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting the pervasiveness of the problem. I concede that my perspective on this topic may be limited as a man, but I have still to meet the woman Notta describes in her post.

Anyhow...I would challenge black women to reflect on whom they deem "proper" candidates for marriage. Anecdotally, I entered law school with a class of 8 black men (including myself) and around 23 black women. Two of the men were married and one was gay. Out of the remaining 5 eligible black men, only one of them was dating regularly (and yes he fit Notta's stereotype and dated multiple women). The other 4 were single and weren't dating. The reason for that according to my female friends was that although the remaining 4 men were nice or sweet, they were either too short or too big or not attractive.

My point is that even though there aren't many black men to choose from, there are men out there who are being overlooked for a number of superficial reasons. Now I'm the last person to tell anyone to date someone they aren't physically attracted to, but to be fair, I know too many women who aren't going to consider a suitor who isn't 6'0 tall and athletically built.

Lastly, with the numbers as they now stand, I don't see any reason black women shouldn't be looking beyond black men as potential mates. It doesn't necessarily mean that you love and respect black men any less; we know we are a scarce commodity. Can't black women have fulfilling relationships outside the confines of our racial classifications, or am I again being naive?

Notta Golddigger said...

In response to r. parrish's comments -- r. parrish, you ask who are these women? These women are your mother, your sister, your aunt, your cousin, your niece, and your friend. They are everywhere. Personally, I have several friends and know of several women who oftentimes sell themselves short by dealing with men who either cheat on them, try to control them, or generally act disrespectful towards them. My guess is that they haven't responded to this entry because they know it applies to them. I didn't expect they would respond; but I hope they can take something from hearing women who have been there tell them that there is something better for them in life.

As for your comments RE: black men being overlooked for superficial reasons, it really bothers me when men make this statement. Men don't settle for women who they are not physically attracted to, so why should we? If I'm not attracted to short, fat, bald guys -- dating one is not going to make me change my mind about that, it just means I'll be unhappy in my relationship because I'm not attracted to my man. I'm not saying that every man has to be 6' tall and athletically built, as you commented. Physical attraction is a subjective concept. One person's trash is another person's treasure. And if I want to date someone who is physically attractive to me (and me only, not the rest of the world), then I am entitled to do that.

Additionally, RE: your comment about black women dating men of other nationalities -- dating men who are not black is fine for women who want to do that, but some sistas are just not attracted to men of other nationalities.

--Notta

Anonymous said...

“Conversate” is what is called a “back-formation” based on the noun "conversation.” But the verb for this sort of thing is “converse.”

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This Main Entry: conversate
Part of Speech: v
Definition: to socialize and chat; to converse with another
Etymology: back-formation from conversation
Usage: slang

Don't let this get you down "sista" you do not have to worry about folks like that, as long as you are together.

Anonymous said...

Is this conversation still on?

Anonymous said...

I was guilty of using this word many years ago in a casual conversation with a coworker,who happened to be white, and he kindly corrected me. I immediately enrolled in a basic grammar class at the local community college the following term and continued to take writing classes until I fully understood English grammar. Like most people in here, I cringe every time I hear our people use this word and I kindly correct them.

Anonymous said...

Sad to see the grammar that is used. conversate, He be right back, I axed you, Me and my friend.
Me at the beginning of a sentence is never correct and it is not only black folks that use it. I saw a policeman on the ID channel starting a sentence with ME. . It's the lack of education in our school systems. Here is one that I just heard on T.V. I want to be witch you. With grammar like that they will not be going anywhere soon. They have a slim chance to none likely to become successful in life. I hope they try and get an education in grammar because it is true, people do judge you once you open your mouth.